Into the Airwaves

I am slipping into the airwaves

The static's where you'll find me

I have been spending an unnatural amount of time in my car recently. Having two internships in a city 20 miles away makes that happen sometimes. During this quality time with my trusty Toyota, the radio and I have also become better acquainted. As evidenced by the title and theme of my blog, I am a music person. It speaks to me, my life, and my experiences. Having two parents in the business has given me an appreciation for the classic, the off-the-beaten-path, and the outright surreal. Their opinion of modern music, however, is not very favorable. I, on the other hand, love me some pop and hip-hop and downright bad music that would appall my parents. The airwaves have been hosting some pretty good stuff recently. Just like a hostel but for music, good songs come and go, as do some not so good ones, just looking for a warm place to sleep for the night. I want to start with the good stuff, the songs I can't seem to turn off: 

1. Empire State of Mind by Jay-Z

Let's be honest. Deep down, we all want to be hood like Jay-Z. I know I do, sort of. That is why I have made it my goal to learn all the words to this song. I also made Jessica promise that when we are 21 and go to karaoke night, she will rap this song if I do the Lil Wayne part of "Down" by Jay Sean. We shook on it, so it's happening. Anyway, this song makes me want to move to the Big Apple just so every morning can start out like this. The life of Carrie Bradshaw... is there any finer way to live? No. There's something so wildly different about the big city way of life that I want to experience. Maybe not forever, but I'm only young once, right? Like Jay-Z says, you came here for school, graduated to the high life, ball players rap stars addicted to the lime light... Sounds like a good time to me! 

2. Hey Soul Sister by Train

Pat Monahan may have hit his prime stardom in the early 2000s with his band Train, but they have made a phenomenal comeback with this song. Shoot, the song was even in a Samsung TV commercial! There's a distinct style of the dancing-in-your-car dance that one does when this song graces your airwaves. You can always tell when someone is listening to Hey Soul Sister! This song is the most optimistic thing out there right now and you can't help but smile when it's on :)

3. She Won't Be Lonely Long by Clay Walker

Clay Walker may not be a household name in the world of country music, but he has certainly hit it big with this one. It's a song about a woman who is finding her confidence again and that, if Clay Walker had her, he would treat her right. Well that's awfully nice! I recently sent this song to a friend who was having a bit of boy trouble and she absolutely loved it :) I think every girl should hear this song, especially any girl who is going through a rough spot because you are beautiful and you won't be lonely long. Clay Walker will make sure of it!

A few honorable mentions include: "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael, Buble, "Break Your Heart" by Taio Cruz featuring Ludacris, "In My Head" by Jason DeRulo, and "Water" by Brad Paisley (just in time for summer :)

----------

Of course, there are also the head-scratchers. I'm willing to be honest with myself here: there may be some overlap between the "songs during which I never change the station" and "songs that I think are ridiculous"... maybe I actually listen to them, occasionally, maybe:

1. Eenie Meenie by Justin Bieber featuring Sean Kingston

I would first like to point out that Justin Bieber is about 6 years old. Perhaps that's why he is describing the girl in his life as an "eenie meenie miney mo lover". Really??? Eenie meenie miney mo is a sacred childhood game used in the most challenging of circumstances where conventional decision making techniques are not sufficient. It is not to be used by burgeoning child pop stars as some sort of strange songwriting schtick. Also, Sean Kingston, really? You used to have street cred. So did Luda. And then you did songs with the Bieber. How are your hood friends taking that? And Justin: repeating words over and over does not count as songwriting. AND YET the record companies have succeeded: it's a damn catchy song, regardless of how stupid it is... I may know some of the words to it. But it's okay because so does Michele (haha, called you out!)

2. Your Love Is My Drug by Ke$ha

Okay, this is actually without a doubt the worst song I've ever heard. Like I legitimately can't stand this song. But being in a drugs class, I listened to it to determine how valid the lyrics were. Her songwriters may have done their homework because the analogy kind of works. Ke$ha manages to hit on all the classic symptoms of addiction and withdrawal: the paranoia, the physiological effects, the crash and crave... Relative accuracy aside, it may be the dumbest song known to mankind. And it uses the phrase "lovesick crackhead". I think that just shouldn't be allowed.

3. Carry Out by Timbaland featuring Justin Timberlake

I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what drive through restaurants have to do with sex, but it is a hilarious song if you really listen carefully. And Justin Timberlake is quite possibly one of the sexiest human beings ever. Some notable lines from this song: "Do you like it well done 'cuz I do it well, I'm well-seasoned if you couldn't tell" and "I'll take two #3s, that's a whole lotta you and a side of me". What??? In high school I worked a couple restaurant jobs and when you are a young blonde high school girl, you sometimes get a little extra attention from the gentlemen of all age groups. But I never received any flirtations quite as scandalous as JT and Timbaland's all out raunch-fest. Although if JT walked into my restaurant, 17-year old me would have had a heart attack and not been conscious for said flirtation. 

Honorable mentions: "I'm Awesome" by Spose (Emily, that's for you:), "BedRock" by Young Money and Lloyd, and "Say Aah" by Trey Songz featuring Fabolous.

Well, that's my analysis of what I think are the best, funniest, and worst songs out there right now. Don't agree with me? Write your own blog! In the meantime, I'm going to go listen to some Justin Bieber. Not really. But maybe if it comes on the radio...

Unwell

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me


"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." These iconic words inscribed on the Statue of Liberty, for over a century, have welcomed the lost and the found, the young and old, the oppression-fleeing and the opportunity-seeking, to America and all of its promise. I spent my afternoon among the tired, poor, huddled masses of Sacramento and I am convinced that this inscription belongs at the entrance to every hospital in our nation, because nothing can describe what I saw today better than this iconic phrase.

The morning began slowly. A handful of accidents, a number of abdominal pains, and some kids with fevers. Nothing remarkable.

And then all hell broke loose.

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, we were slammed. A couple nurses talking among themselves: "Who here is the least sick?" Translation: we need to make room, and fast. Nearly every bed was occupied, the waiting room was packed, ambulances lined up to bring in their casualties, the social worker ran around like mad calling patient family members, gurneys and stretchers flew down the halls like magic carpets, and the staff waded their way through fractures, abrasions, drunkards and overdoses. The halls were lined with occupied gurneys as if they were the latest interior decor. Venturing into the ED (emergency department), what I saw reminded me of the inscription on the Statue of Liberty. Before my eyes huddled the tired, the poor, and those just yearning for care, attention, and comfort. I was transported to a ship circa one hundred years ago, as hopefuls from all over the world took to the seas and braved the wind, rain, and disease for the promise of a better life; here, hopefuls braved their doubts, fears, and ailments for the promise of a healthier life.

It can be hard to see the light in the ED when so much of what comes through is tragic. Both a tragedy and a comedy, however, was a special delivery from EMS. Screaming at volume 11 at no one in particular, this patient was livid about everything and did not go unnoticed. My co-worker turns to me: "Can't they sedate him/her or something?" My response: "They really should give him/her something." A nurse walks by not moments later: "Can we get him/her some Valium?" An EMT strolls by shortly after: "You guys should get him/her some Valium." Good thing all the docs were tied up in resus (the resuscitation room) working on an accident victim and couldn't order any sedatives for the crazy. So for an hour, we all had the pleasure of listening to incredibly loud delusions and accusations of conspiracy. Every patient, nurse, doc, undergrad intern, and med student united in agreement, by a simple smile, a chuckle, a roll-of-the-eye, that this patient was certifiably insane.

A number of incredibly polite patients struck up conversations with us as we observed the urgency swirling around us. "This is a great hospital and if my life was in danger, this is where I'd like to come." "Do you have a sister? You look just like [insert name here], you could pass for her sister!" A couple patients even commented on their very vocal peer, chuckling to themselves, shaking their heads in disbelief... or getting irritated because they wanted to nap. The nurses on duty were working their hearts out trying to handle a growing patient load, God bless them, but one still took a moment to smile sweetly and chat with me quickly about her kids. The EMTs joked with us about the crazy patient as they walked the halls, and the police officers made sure the wandering drunk didn't come near us.

No matter whether rich or poor, in the ED everyone is the same. Scared, lonely, uncomfortable, and yet somehow united in mutual struggle with their own bodies. It was messy, crazy, uncensored, and tragically poetic. There was nothing happening at UCDMC that can't be seen at the average American hospital on an average American day in an average American neighborhood. Today reminded me of one of the many reasons I want to practice medicine: to help those who don't know how to help themselves. One does not need to be poor, incompetent, or even unhealthy to not know how to help themselves, because at the end of the day, we are all just a little unwell.

All The Right Moves

I know we've got it good

But they've got it made

And the grass is getting greener each day

I'm on top of the world, and it's an amazing feeling :)

This week has been absolutely incredible in the most unexpected ways. I don't even know where to start. I'm elated beyond belief to see my parents on Monday! I must be honest and say I'm getting a little homesick; a good dose of love from home will tide me over until after finals, though. This Phi Beta Kappa thing is a huge deal for me and I'm so glad that the people I love most are going to come for it. In addition, I recently learned that I am the recipient of a Kappa Alpha Theta Foundation scholarship! The name of the scholarship and the amount is still a mystery to me and they will mail all that information (checking mailbox frantically). Considering that thousands of Thetas across the country apply for these scholarships, I'm so incredibly honored to be recognized. That was a pleasant email to come home to after a long day of class Friday :)

Less cool to you, but still important for me: I turned in what I consider my life's work (like literally, a paper about my life). What a learning experience. It's always a challenge to write about yourself in a formal way and then give it to someone to evaluate. But never before have I had the opportunity to explore my feelings and beliefs with such depth and such free reign. Blood, sweat, and tears went into that paper (figuratively). Turning in a hard copy of my life was indescribably liberating. All at once, a huge load was lifted off my shoulders and I felt so empowered and in control. After making a truly candid assessment of my life and who I am at the most basic level, I am so profoundly self-aware. It feels pretty awesome to really know who I am, how I feel, and how I got this way.

In addition, I'm starting to get the ball rolling on my new studies with the Cardiology Department. I will be writing an honors thesis next year and presenting my findings at the Undergraduate Research Conference. Okay, so this is all way in advance, a whole year away, but I'm thrilled. For whatever reason, I am oddly passionate about ICDs. Maybe because I've been working with them for the whole school year, maybe because how they work is pretty damn cool. Most likely because my daddy got one a few months ago, so they hit home for me. It is as if me understanding more about them will help my dad understand them and not be scared :) Regardless, I'm looking forward to investigating patient perceptions of their care in comparison to hospital records to see whether in-person or remote appointments result in higher quality care. Global, right? I am incredibly excited to have such a wonderful opportunity :)

And my friends. Yesterday afternoon, I enjoyed perhaps the most stereotypically sorority moment of my life. With our formal just a week away, it was time to go shopping... in everyone else's closets! We joke about it during Recruitment, saying "I love living in the house because I have 32 other closets to shop from!", but it's true. We bartered dresses and searched for the perfect shoes without dropping a single dime, without leaving home. Afterward, we headed to campus to see Birdstrike Theater, a comedy improv student group. Oh my goodness I laughed the whole time and gave my abs a solid workout! I had a heart-to-heart with my little sis this morning. Love that girl with all my heart. She teaches me so much all the time. I feel like sometimes I'm the little sis ;) And Michele, you dance beautifully and you amaze me; all your hard work paid off ten-fold. Can't wait to work the dancefloor with you next weekend!

I have arrived at this place in my life where I'm so ready to start it, start everything. I've wanted to be a doctor since I was 6 years old, so this whole waiting game is getting pretty old. I am so fortunate to have found a passion and a goal that motivates me to reach higher than I thought I possibly could. Never in a million years imagined that I would be so passionate about a little tiny heart device. Never in a million years saw myself drawn to the unpredictability and downright messiness of the Emergency Department. Never say never. I am even more lucky to have people surrounding me pushing me to be the very best version of myself. The motivation and dedication of the people who love me is astounding. Friendship is a selfless yet mutual endeavor. I would do anything and everything to ensure that my friends are happy, healthy, and successful, and I know that they would do the same for me. I have seen it, I have lived it, and I consider myself honored. We've got it good, got it made, and the grass is only getting greener.

I'm on top of the world. Come join me :)

Rain

Can you hear me

That when it rains and shines

It's just a state of mind

Can you hear me?

What is with this bizarre weather??? A rain storm in the middle of May just seems odd. But today, I was kind of in the mood for the gloomy gray. After an incredibly long, exhausting weekend, I was able to sleep in for the first time in what felt like decades, and the sun did not rip its way through my curtains this morning like it usually does in the spring (much appreciated). No class, no internships, nowhere to be except bed sweet bed. I felt so spoiled sleeping until 10am, drifting quietly in and out of dreams, wishes, and desires. Sometimes the occasional bad dream finds its way into my sleepy subconscious, causing me to wake up on the wrong side of the bed. But on mornings like this, with no destination in mind, I could afford to go back to sleep and wake up on the right side of the bed. Ahhhh the luxury :)

Outside in a completely separate world it is storming, but here I am inside. Warm, dry, comfy, cozy, happy. Today was one of those glorious and much needed "wear sweats all day, don't give a damn about anyone else but me" kind of days :)

Now the sun is starting to come out. Isn't it strange how the sky can go from gray gloom-and-doom to true blue in what seems like no time at all? I find it equally strange that merely by looking at something from a different angle, a different perspective, its meaning is completely changed. Rain and shine is just a state of mind. Sometimes it can be hard to arrive at that perspective alone and it takes a loving outsider to show you. Everything seems like the end of the world when you are standing in the eye of the hurricane, where problems and responsibilities are swirling around you relentlessly. No matter how hard you try, you can't do anything right. This weekend seemed relentless and cruel, but only until my state of mind shifted. A cheery phone call to Mom on Mother's Day (I miss you and I can't wait to come home!), a series of hilarious and heartwarming texts, a little gem of an email, and a fabulous phone call from SoCal, a sunburn that was so worth it, ice cream for dinner... all of that easily trumped a pile of work, running on empty, overlooked details, and the mid-quarter blues. And all I had to do was change my perspective.

So here I am, late Monday afternoon, and what do I have to show for my day? Well, I have a 7-page analysis of the disparities in ICD placement between African American and Caucasian patients in the United States as a result of geographical differences in access to cardiovascular technology, all composed while lounging on my bed like a princess. I also registered for next quarter (what's up, chicken lab?!). I have a wealth of knowledge about the development of sexuality throughout the lifespan and the mechanism of cocaine and amphetamine action in the brain. I didn't have to do anything for anyone, and I had a damn relaxing and comfy day. Just another Manic Monday? Not here :)

The Resolution

There's a lot that I don't know

There's a lot that I'm still learning

I haven't written in a while because this week has been nothing short of insane. Picking up where I left off last weekend: Seeing my dad was so much fun! I love just hanging out with him, talking, and being together. I've always been so close with my parents. I think it has to do with that only child thing. At any rate, after the struggle of a year that I've been having academically, personally, and everything in between-a-lly, it was so wonderful to just spend some quality time with someone who will always love me, always has my best interests in mind, and wants nothing but the absolute best for me. I need that every now and then. We had a blast and learned that neither of us are very good at bowling! Dropping my dad off at the train station was emotional. I hate when my parents leave. I feel like I'm a child again and my parents are dropping me off at camp for the first time. I fully know I'll see them again soon, but it doesn't change the fact that we are parting ways. I'm always in a funk when they leave, but I'll see both my parents in about a week because I'm getting initiated into the Phi Beta Kappa Honors Society (maybe you've heard of it? ;) I can't wait!

----------

I just need light

I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution

My dad asked me a pretty loaded question while we were waiting for his train to arrive: Are you doing okay? I mean, it depends on when you ask. Which day, hour, minute even. It all just kind of depends. Overall, yes, dad and the rest of the world, I'm doing fantastic. Sometimes, though, I don't have the luxury of saying that I am. I try my best to focus on the beautiful moments when everything is perfect, more than perfect. I live for those moments, big or small. Those other ones... well... we've all been there.

Focusing on the beautiful moments. Monday, ER amazingness! I got to put EKG leads on a patient, chat with the doctors (I'm starting to get to know them better, which is quite exciting!) and watched an open heart surgery. What? YES. It was incredible. I was on an adrenaline high for the rest of the day. Words can't really describe what I saw, so I won't attempt to even try to capture the raw power, beauty, and disgusting intensity of the human body. 

I have been planning all week for Theta's Spring Retreat, which happened last night. It was so much fun! What an amazing reminder of sisterhood :) I love all these girls and some of them have been with me through my highest highs and lowest lows, for which I will be eternally grateful. And there's nothing that screams sisterhood like tie-dying, cotton candy eating contests, dinosaur-on-a-stick race, silent affirmations, raffles and ice cream sundaes :) I hope everyone had as much fun as I did!

Two midterms and two papers this coming week. Sometimes the quarter system is relentless. Especially in the spring when all I want to do is soak up some vitamin D with my best friends. And yet... I haven't started studying. Cool. College is so much cramming and not enough of whatever the opposite of that would be. Do I really have much to gain from memorizing fatty acid biosynthesis and then regurgitating it on an exam? Probably not.

I'm making so much progress at life in general. I have a life plan. I'm taking steps toward making that dream a reality. I'm making the most out of every friendship and every moment; sometimes I fall short, but I always try my hardest. I've been kind of running around like a chicken with my head cut off, every day a different set of responsibilities, places to be, people to see. I've been keeping busy but I like it that way. I don't like being bored. And I have been listening to a lot of music. "Music's the only thing that makes sense anymore. It keeps the demons at bay." One my favorite quotes from the movie Across The Universe because it's so true. People who are better writers and musicians than me write the words and emotions that I can't seem to express as eloquently, so I leave that to them and listen to the beautiful product. The best I can do is this blog, and today I'm not feeling super insightful. I'm just trying to take life as it comes to me, the good, the bad, the ugly. 

I haven't seen Emily in over a week. Having withdrawals. COME BACK TO ME! Also, thanks for reading my paper, not judging me, and responding to my stupid texts. Get back into my life! I see Katrina every Tuesday and Thursday in Biochem and usually on the weekends too :) probably hitting the rec pool later! Michele is home for the weekend. Can we make cookies again please? Looking forward to a phone call from the always lovely Annalyse -- we have a lot to catch up on. Your texts make me smile.

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

This is the most discombobulated post ever. It's been quite a week and I'm just trying to make sure I get it all in there. My thoughts are very disorganized and I failed to elaborate on anything. Sorry about that. It's just one of those days... searching for my resolution.

Amendment to this post: I wrote this entry in early afternoon. It is now 5:45pm. Having a good day now :) went to the Rec Pool with Katrina and Alyssa, had a marvelous time, and then went to Burgers and Brew. Sometimes it just takes some lovin' from friends to bring you back to reality. 3 hours at the rec pool + yummy burgers + so far only 30 minutes of studying done... I'd say I feel accomplished today :)

I'm Ready

And today was a day just like any other...


And yet it wasn't. I overslept my alarm (awesome) and managed to get ready for class in 10 minutes flat while still looking fabulous. Don't hate the player, hate the game ;) Went to class, learned about racism and methamphetamine. In two separate classes. Cool Friday. So far all y'all who are like "I don't have class on Fridays and my life is amazing," do you get to learn about cool things like racism and drugs Monday through Thursday? That's what I thought. Walking home from class, trying not to get blown away to Kansas by the wind, I was in my own world listening to my iPod when a song came on. A song that was too much for me to handle. Too much everything rolled into three-and-a-half minutes. Too much... until today. Today, I took control of my life, even if in the smallest way, by listening to a song. Throughout this roller coaster of a year, I've jumped through so many fire-y hoops trying to please people in my life and gotten burned, despite putting forth my sincerest efforts, despite putting my own needs on the back-burner. No. More. Today, I walked with confidence. I took care of me. I took control. So in a way, today was a day just like any other because it should be like this every day. But it wasn't just any day because it was finally time for me to say "I'm ready."


----------
Don't want to recognize when things go bad
The things that you'll accept
Accept that I am 
Finding the words to say
I'm ready


This is my absolute favorite song by Jack's Mannequin. Frankly, it is one of my favorite songs ever. I listen to it on repeat, I blast it in the car and use the steering wheel as my drum-set while I sing into my bluetooth as my microphone, I blast it in my iPod (if I lose my hearing because of this song, I'll be okay with it), I blast it when I need a pick-me-up or when I feel on top of the world. It doesn't matter when, where, or how. I love what this song says. It's all about overcoming the things in your life that hold you back, pushing yourself beyond what you think you can do, and finding that power within yourself to say "I'm ready". Ready for what? Ready for what-effing-ever your heart desires. Ready to move on, move out, get up, get out, get on with it. It is a very empowering song; I literally feel like I got my swag on when I listen to this song (took a look in the mirror, said wassup... haha I'm embarrassed for myself... don't hate). Nothing in the world can stop me because I'm ready. Does it really even matter what I'm ready for?

----------
Don't stop me
I'm ready


It doesn't much matter. I'm unstoppable doing it :)

Today at the class for my internship, the director of admissions at the UC Davis School of Medicine spoke to us. He flashed the numbers in front of us. Out of 4,500 applicants, only 600 got interviews. Only 175 gained admission. Only 105 start. He told us what makes an application stand out. Apparently "never sleeping" is one of those qualities. He said flat out "some people, no matter how many times they apply, will never get into medical school." For a few minutes, my spirits were crushed. Everything that I've wanted my entire life could effectively amount to nothing in the eyes of an admissions committee. Perfect. And then I started thinking about it. I've wanted this so badly for my entire life. I'm an intelligent, confident, personable woman. I have the grades. I have the interpersonal skills. I have the passion. There is nothing that that man said that I can't do. Except maybe finance medical school, but no one can actually afford medical school, so I'm not too worried ;) In any case, I can do it. Having him flash those statistics in front of me only made me want it more. Why? Because I'm ready.

Author's note: The preceding paragraphs were written Friday night; the following was written Saturday. Just to clear up any confusion. I don't go to class on Saturdays. That's not a thing.

Saw "Hair" in the Arboretum with the loves! What a trip! Sitting in the very front was fun because the actors would jump out into the audience and dance in front of us and interact with us. One of our friends even got a kiss! The show was followed by hot chocolate and ridiculosity at Michele's house = Perfect night! I miss everyone who went to Yosemite this weekend to camp and I wish I could be with all of you right now :( But I got stuffs going on in Davis! Daddy is coming to visit and I'm so excited to see him! :) Somehow my midterm-free week is turning into busy busy busy! It's okay though. I believe that I thrive when I'm constantly on the go. The energy drink Go Girl was created for people like me! In fact, I should be getting ready to go right now! On my way to the Clothesline Project at the Farmer's Market -- an event to raise awareness about the reality of sexual assault on our campus and in our community. A little heavy for a Saturday morning, but if anything it is an event to empower our community to take action and reduce and hopefully eliminate the occurrence of assaults. It's a pretty cool event: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=349438335999&index=1

Can't wait to see Daddy :)
Until next time!